Transcript
Sigrun:
You are listening to The Sigrun Show, episode number 389. In this episode, I talk to Dr. Valerie Rein about healing, hidden trauma during a pandemic. Welcome to The Sigrun Show. I'm your host Sigrun creator of SOMBA the MBA program for online entrepreneurs. With each episode, I'll share with you inspiring case studies and interviews to help you achieve your dreams and turn your passion into profits. Thank you for spending time with me today, building an online business takes time. I share with you proven strategies to help you get there faster. You'll also learn how to master your mindset, up level your marketing and succeed with masterminds.
Today. I speak with Dr. Valerie Rein, a psychologist bestselling author and speaker. Valerie discovered patriarchy stress disorder and specializes in helping women get over this trauma of oppression, so that they can achieve success, find happiness and live a fulfilled life. In this episode, we talk about healing, hidden trauma during a pandemic. Before we dive into this episode, I want to remind you that I'm doing a weekly live YouTube show every Wednesday at 6:00 PM Central European Time. So far, I've interviewed seven, six to seven figure online entrepreneurs on how they are navigating the corona crisis, the recession, and the social justice movement. And what they're doing to ensure that their businesses thrive now and in the future. Go to the show notes at sigrun.com/389. Where you can find how to subscribe to my YouTube channel, plus all the links to Dr. Valerie Rein.
I'm so excited. Yes. And this is literally meaning that I'm so excited to be here with Dr. Valerie Rein. We've tried to be arranging this podcast episode forever, but the timing couldn't be better in a middle of a pandemic. It makes absolute sense that we have this conversation. Welcome on the show, Valerie.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Thank you so much for having me a Sigrun. I am bursting with excitement about being with you and your audience today.
Sigrun:
So originally when we wanted to talk, you were bringing out a book, but what we were discussing before I hit the record button is an exciting angle off that whole conversation. So we'll get to all of that. We're just teasing the audience a little bit, but there's an extra layer happening on top of what you have been discussing during the pandemic. It's kind of been amplified your message.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
It sure has.
Sigrun:
It's sure has. So before we go to the book and about all of that, tell us a little bit about your journey. How you came to actually wanting to write that book. So before we talk about the book itself.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
I never wanted to write this book. In fact, every day that I was writing the book, working in the book, I almost didn't do it. And it will make more sense when the listeners find out what that whole thing is about. My journey began by realizing when I was a little girl that somehow I am often feeling that something's wrong with me. I am too loud. “Don't be so loud boys are not going to like you, no one would want to marry you. Don't be so smart. People don't like it when you're showing off. Don't wear this, you look to this or to that, or don't eat that you'll get fat, et cetera.” So my journey has been guided by that question. What's wrong with me? Trying to figure that out and fix it. And that took me to the field of psychology, of course, what better way to do it, two graduate degrees later, which is just a snapshot of how messy my journey has been.
I was nearly having a dream life, or what I thought was everything that I wanted. I had a thriving private practice in New York. I had a family and home I adored. I loved what I did. Until one day I was on the phone with a client. When I noticed that I was only smiling with the right side of my face while the left side was just hanging there. And so was my left arm. And I ended up in the ER with symptoms of a stroke, which thankfully turned out to be my official diagnosis, quote, unquote, just stress. Which mystified me to no end because I actually did not feel stressed. I thought I was living a good life, but that experience pulled back the blanket of workaholism that I was using to conceal the deeper truth about that question of what's wrong with me.
It hasn't gone away with accomplishment it was still there. I was just numbing it with work now. And it was very uncomfortable because I truly had done everything I knew how to do to be happy and fulfilled, checked off all the boxes. And I still wasn't feeling happy and fulfilled. And I was trying to figure out then, “Okay, now what?” And I looked at my clients because they were shifting from this numbness and stepping into the fullness of their lives, and I was still stuck. So what was I doing for them that I wasn't doing for myself? And it turned out that with all of my clients, I used trauma resolution tools, mind-tools for healing trauma. Even though they didn't have any big traumatic experiences, their childhoods were good, nothing huge and traumatic life threatening ever happened. And yet these tools worked for all of them.
And the reason I would the use the tools was because I was seeing that telltale symptom of trauma in them all which is disconnection from parts of themselves, from parts of their body, from parts of their authentic self expression, from their dreams and desires, and then healing trauma was healing that disconnection. And of course my own body signaled pretty loudly the disconnection from the whole left side. And then I started wondering, could there be some kind of trauma that we just overlooking and we're not talking about. And are affected by it across the board. And the discoveries in the field of epigenetics started popping up.
Showing that traumatic experiences are genetically transmitted. And that was the game changing moment when the dots connected. When I recognized that women have been oppressed for thousands of years, we couldn't use our voices. We couldn't make our own money. We couldn't love who we loved. We couldn't choose whether to have children or not to have children. We had no freedoms at all. And how traumatic that has been, and this trauma has been transmitted genetically. And so that's how I discovered what I termed patriarchy stress disorder or PSD. And that's what my book is all about, how to see it and how to heal it.
Sigrun:
So how did you make that discovery were all your clients, female, or how did you connect the dots?
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yeah, most of my clients were female and this actually highlights a point that I want to make that traumas affect everyone. If you are human, you have trauma, male, female, wherever you are on the gender spectrum. What I mean by trauma is any experience that made you feel unsafe physically or emotionally, and led to creating trauma adaptations to keep you safe. Certain ways of thinking, certain ways that show up in the body, and choices, and behaviors. And for women, what's unsafe for women, what has been historically unsafe for women? Is visibility, being in our power, so that's what PSD is about. For men different traumas show up as well. And by the way, patriarchy is traumatizing to men as well because it does not allow a man to be fully in touch with all these emotions, express his nurturing and feminine sides.
So it's a big offender. And so I saw it in women because, well, I'm a woman. That experience is very, very deep for me as well. I saw it in myself, but the more I'm having these conversations and working with women, the more there is this growing demand and interest from men as well to get on the healing journey, which delights me. Ultimately, we all have stuff to heal and we need to be doing it together.
Sigrun:
So how was the trauma showing up? Like when you said I was using trauma therapy or methods and tools all the time, but they were all different the patients.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yeah. Yeah. That's a great question. How it was showing up. That disconnection is really the telltale symptoms. Sometimes a woman would come to me and say, “I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I lost myself. I'm successful in my career, but I don't remember feeling truly joyful. Like it's like, I'm a dead woman walking, like I'm in this hamster wheel, just moving through the day, not having access to sexual arousal, or orgasms.” That's another way that women usually like notice. Leaning into some coping things like medication, or alcohol, or food, or shopping is one of the ways in which we cope with the pain of that disconnection. But disconnection also shows up as feeling disconnected from our partners, or not having love in our lives, or for women who have kids also not feeling quite connected with them. And in their careers and businesses I often hear, “Okay, I just don't have clarity.”
Like I know I am here to do something more, but I just can't. It just keeps on evading me, eluding me just can't. And the reason is, again, it's never been safe for a woman to be in her full power. Clarity is power. So we have these subconscious defense mechanisms. Not conscious. They're in our subconscious and they create this effect. So most of the things, and I really want our listeners to hear this and entertain that as a possibility. What if most of the things you've been struggling with, thinking that something is wrong with you, actually, have nothing to do with you. What if we've inherited this? What if it's collective and it's ancestral? And this is not to say, “Oh, well now you don't have to do anything about it.” We actually have the tools to heal it.
Sigrun:
So the cause is clear. It happened over a generation. We can't go back and fix it. We can't change it. But you say the healing is there. We already have the methods. It's just about understanding that everyone has trauma or most of us.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yeah. It's really the field… Well, what we know keeps evolving. We didn't have epigenetics just a few years ago. We didn't know that trauma was genetically transmitted. And how we understand trauma is evolving too. What I'm asking people to get curious about inviting people to get curious about. Do you have some areas where you feel a little disconnected, like from your full, authentic expression? If so trauma creates that disconnection and healing creates… So remembering that trauma is any experience that made us feel unsafe. Healing takes us through creating safety, embodied safety, rewiring, the nervous system, and the way that allows us to follow our desires. Whether it's being in the spotlight, being visible, being in our leadership, making lots of money or having amazing sex, not or and, for those who desire it.
Sigrun:
Have it all.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Having it all truly. And so the healing tools, some of them have been around for a long time. They come from wisdom traditions such as yoga, working with the breath, working with regulating the nervous system. But now we actually have the validation of science to show how they work. Neuroscience is studying that in showing us how the brain changes when we use these tools, behavioral sciences show… And neuroscience now has discovered, and that is mind blowing, that our actions are decided in our subconscious, which is truly mind blowing. Like we used to think, “Okay, just change the way you think and you're good.” And it works for some, it doesn't work for others, but to some degree, a greater or lesser degree, but our subconscious is the power player. And if it has trauma lodged in it that we are not even aware off, well, it's going to keep us safe, or it's going to keep our nervous system in the overdrive.
So the way trauma programming works, it puts our system in fight flight or freeze. So those who are doing big things in the world often find themselves in fight or flight. Like their nervous system is activated. It's hard to stop. It's hard to sleep. It's hard to connect with pleasure and actually receive the fruits of our hard work. And for some it really is, it's hard to move forward. Although she knows what to do. You probably see it right in your work. You know what to do. And you're still not doing it.
Sigrun:
You're still not doing it.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
But it's not taking away their responsibility for healing. I want to say it is not women's fault. It is not our failing, but we do need to recognize, “Okay, there is something that's stopping you, holding you back. Let me get curious about it. Maybe there is something I haven't looked at. Maybe there is a way to heal it.” And there is a spoiler alert.
Sigrun:
Could this explain self-sabotage, perfectionism, procrastination.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yes. All of the above. And what Gay Hendricks termed the upper limit problem. Because it's not safe. Our nervous system goes, “You're going to get killed. You're going to get burned at the stake. You're going to lose your marriage. Men don't like women who are in their power.” It's not conscious. We don't go around thinking that way. But our subconscious is the decision maker in the house, and we can see it by the outcomes. Well, are you actually achieving your goals? And are they authentic goals? Is that what you truly desire? Or are you checking off the boxes of what you think you should be wanting? Like I was before my big break.
Sigrun:
So you discovered this and you wrote a book about it. In that book do you give people examples also of how they can start on that healing journey themselves?
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yes. So the book outlines a five stage system that I have distilled from over 20 years of this work, and research, and being on my own journey, and working with clients, and refining the tools. And we are actually in phase one right now, which is making the invisible, visible.
Sigrun:
Okay. Please explain.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
I love that saying when we can see the invisible, we can do the impossible. And I call the first stage of this journey, waking up in prison. I refer to the traumas in our subconscious, as the invisible in a prison because they operate by keeping us safe by holding us back. And when we start to recognize, “Oh, wait a second. It's not me. It's not me who is failing. These are traumas that are collective. They are generational inherited. And I've also experienced some stuff in my life where I didn't feel safe.” Maybe in kindergarten you were sharing in show and tell and somebody laughed and you just, “Oh.” We're embarrassed. And then you have a fear of public speaking now, and you didn't even connect the dots. And it doesn't matter if you connected the dots or not, that lives in the body. And so in the first stage we discover, how it lives in the body, how it shows up, and that how it's actually not you because it gives us leverage.
If we think it's us, what are we going to do? It's just me. “I suck at this. I am a fearful person.” Or, “I'm not cut out for this online entrepreneurship.” When we understand it's not me, it's something I can do, it's leverage. And then we're going to look at what are called prison guards. These are the trauma adaptations that develop to keep us safe, but their not appropriate for the current time. You are not going to get killed for speaking… Thankfully, like not in the cultures that we're fortunate to be living and working, it's actually the opposite is true. Those trauma adaptations, those prison guards are costing you big time. They're costing you big money. They're costing you big opportunities. So what we do, we identify how they show up as the inner critic, the imposter syndrome, all that self talk and stories, how they show up in the body.
“Oh my gosh. Every time before a speaking opportunity, I lose my voice.” Well, it's a prison guard. Or, “My immunity is down.” It all comes from inflammation that comes from activation of the nervous system, which comes from us feeling unsafe. So we recognize these prison guards. And then we actually, in the next phase, we evolve them to our body guards. So we can be safe on the journey toward our dreams and desires. And then for those who desire to go deeper, dig the tunnel. Dig the tunnel out of the prison by uncovering and healing deeper traumas. And then the final stage is very interesting because you would think like, “Okay, I'm out of prison. I am good now.” And I'm discovering it in my life right now. And many of my client's are as well. When we actually get what we authentically desire, it's not that easy to receive and allow all that recognition, and money, and feeling good.
So the self sabotage then looks like, okay, still working very hard and grinding and not taking pleasure in things, or sabotaging big opportunities because that wound… Although we are out of prison, but the wound of being worth less than men is very big. It's very significant. And it takes a while to heal. And in my experience, healing is gradual layer by layer. You get results with each layer healed, but it's probably a life long journey. I'm on this journey. And with each moment when I receive more, I know that it's crucial to integrate and allow so that it feels safe to be seen on the new level, to be wealthy on a new level, to feel good in a new level, fit on your level, whatever that is. So that we can actually keep on expanding. So that's the trajectory that I'm on my clients are on.
And I truly feel that by being in this journey, we are changing the world because how we show up changes. And then it has ripple effects onto our teams, our families, our missions and many of us actually… Those who are in the business of working with others may notice that people self sabotage, when we give them the good things that we teach and they don't implement or they underperform. And so I'm seeing my clients also use what they've learned by doing this work. Reading the book, going through my programs, they then take it into their work. And they also help their clients make those shifts, which is for me that says, “Okay, this is how we changing the world.”
Sigrun:
That's how you can have a bigger impact. But you told me something interesting before we started our conversation today, you are seeing hidden trauma come up more because now we have a global trauma going on. Well, it's being created in front of our eyes. Like we can feel it ourselves. Every single person in the world is affected. And some are dealing better with it than others. What is coming up for your clients? And why do you say that this is the best time to heal your trauma?
Dr. Valerie Rein:
I'm so glad we're going there. I want to validate for those who are waking up and feeling like, “Ah.” Just contracted and heavy and having anxiety. I know so many women right now, and many of them are therapists who are like, went on anxiety medication right now to help themselves cope. And there is nothing wrong with that. And also there is an opportunity to recognize that the reason why maybe you're not using this quarantine time to learn Chinese or painting is because collective and generational trauma's are activated big time. If you think about generations of your ancestors before you, they have lived through pandemics, they have lived through wars. They have lived through deprivation, loss, persecution. And so our genetic memories are coming up and put our system in fight flight freeze, 24/7. And then when we sleep, our subconscious actually is open and connected with the collective subconscious, and the collective is live streaming to our personal.
And so we wake up, I hear it from my clients and I experience it myself, that heaviness and especially women who are in the spotlight, who are leaders and empaths. There's a lot that we take on from that collective suffering. And so it's important to recognize, first of all, like if you're dragging, it's not you, and there are things that… Even asking the question, just dropping it into your kind of subconscious mind, not trying to figure it out consciously, how much of what I'm feeling is mine and how much of it is collective? That alone can already allow you to start shifting. And then there are some specific practices that we've actually developed now during this time of quarantine because I was feeling it I'm like I need something to do in the morning. So I release it and I can start my day in a new way.
And it's been really life changing. And I sometimes feel like a little not bad. I don't want to feel bad about feeling good, but it feels like, “Oh my gosh, I'm definitely in the minority about feeling good, and thriving right now because there's so much suffering. There's so much anxiety. There's so much fear for good reasons.” But I'm also passionate about sharing this. It's possible to thrive now because that's how liberation the most recent live round of my program started literally the first week of quarantine for most countries. And some have been in quarantine already. I have a participant in the epicenter of coronavirus at the time in Italy. And even being under this immense stress like this woman in particular, who is quarantined with her two kids and a husband, that's a lot in and of itself. And she's an entrepreneur.
She is saying that she is now waking up feeling light there is more joy in her life, more connection with her husband. She is not going crazy with her kids. And one of my clients just shared that she quadrupled her business, not out of the blue. Obviously she had a business going into this, but what this opportunity allowed her to do is to see those things that have been buried in the subconscious. Right here, right in front of her to see how she was holding back, how she was playing it down, how she was playing small. And how she wasn't deeply connecting with her prospective customers with her followers. Because she didn't feel worthy, et cetera, et cetera, many reasons. But the outcome was that she was not making sales, and she was not also charging at the level that her work actually commands.
So that shifted for her very quickly. And I'm experiencing in my life right now too. I'm at a whole new level of wellbeing, which again, sounds obnoxious to say. But it is because I use these tools every day. And I feel that my community of women who are doing this work together, that's nourishing for me as well because it's collective trauma and healing also happens. It's energized by the collective because one woman shares about something like, “I hate my husband right now I want to kill him.” And something that you're not just going to share randomly with random people. It takes a level of vulnerability and then other women go, “Oh my gosh, I'm so triggered right now, too.” And then we started unpacking, “Okay, it's not your husband per se. It's something in you. It's old traumas. And you're feeling like you cannot breathe right now because he's taking up all this space. And you don't have the space because you're cooking, and you're with the kids, and you have a business, okay, what needs to shift? What's the opportunity.”
And that's liberating. And it starts with acknowledging that we are in the same boat. We have different circumstances, but at the core the whole world has been patriarchal for over 10,000 years. And when we start to acknowledge that these things that hold us back from moving forward are not personal they're not personal. When I hear my clients share, it's like, they're sharing my story. And that's how they feel about each other. And I grew up in the Soviet Union, behind an iron curtain. The reason I'm saying this is because we didn't have any access to anything from the West, no information, nothing. And yet I received the same messages growing up from my mother, as my clients who grew up in Australia, and Canada, and London, and Holland, et cetera, just like it tells us something.
So coming out of these silos of silence, that's another factor. Things that we used to tolerate, okay, before this pandemic have become intolerable. And that's an opportunity, don't just try to suppress it with pills and wine and Netflixing. Use it to the degree that it serves you, but also recognize that because they are intolerable now it's your golden opportunity to shift and heal.
Sigrun:
I like that. So something that you may known about before now you're not accepting it about yourself anymore.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yeah. And to me, this is like, it's rough. Like when I woke up in that emergency room after all these scans, and I'm like, “Shit, what else? What else… I've done everything.” It's a rude awakening, but it's also very liberating because all of a sudden, okay, there is nowhere else to look. We're quarantined we're on the lock down. Let's look within. Let's unpack things. Let's dig for treasures. And emerge stronger in a new level of thriving from this.
Sigrun:
You said, something is coming up for people like feeling stressed, anxiety, maybe not sleeping well. Do you have any tips you said, when you wake up you do an exercise. Is there a tip for my listeners?
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yeah. Would you like me to share this exercise it will take two to three minutes. I'll try to move quickly through this. So when you wake up first, just get in touch with your body and just feel what's there, acknowledge that there is something there, and drop that question in, “How much of it is mine?” And as that question is percolating in your subconscious, we're going to help the body release that tension physically. So taking a deep breath and then squeeze everything like the muscles around your breathe, the face, the fists, I'm squeezing my toes, squeezing all my muscles, and then with an exhale, just let it drop and do it a few times. And then shake, shake it out. This is something that animals do to relieve stress. That's Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. That's the title of another trauma book, which I didn't write it's a good book. So shaking, shaking, shaking, shaking your head, tapping your feet.
And if there is emotion that's present, that's coming up now, it may be sadness, add some expression. Just letting it to come to your voice, letting it come to your face. It doesn't have to be long. The lifespan of an emotion is 90 seconds. If you allow it to express fully, it may be anger, it maybe fear, and then you shake it out. And then we tap. This is an EMDR technique that is well-researched used to working with trauma, for working with trauma. And what I'm doing now, I'm tapping my shoulder, I'm taping my leg on the same side. Doing it for a few breaths until you feel your system begins to settle down and then we're going to soothe. So just caressing your skin. And this brings the nervous system to a deep level of safety and relaxation. And from here, you will notice the shift already, actually, when we're doing this we're also producing oxytocin. It's my favorite drug promotes bonding, and it makes us feel good and juicy. It really helps you connect with your community, even if it's virtual, with your loved ones. So I like to.
Sigrun:
So like touching your hands, touching your face.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yeah. Sort of like skin to skin. I'm just showing what's showing in the frame, but your whole body would be really lovely. And then from there you can use a grounding tool. I have one on my website, I'm going to upload this one too because it's so in high demand. I call it a repower tool that just communicates a feeling of safety to your system. Not through words, it's not going to understand the words but through experience. And that's how I start my day. I have my other layers of them opening up to pleasure, and receiving, and aligning with opportunities that are aligned with that pleasure. But that's level two and three.
Sigrun:
But the key is really here, the message is that we're all feeling some sort of a trauma right now. And it's okay, like there's nothing wrong with you. And there are some things you can do about it right now. But I guess what happens after all of this? Don't you think there will be more people feeling the urge to get some extra help to release this trauma. I think a lot of people will not work on it right now. They will think like, “Oh, well I'll just see. And hopefully this go away magically.” But maybe it won't.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yeah. Because most people are in freeze right now. That's why they can't act on anything.
Sigrun:
Yeah. They're in freeze mode. Yeah. That's true.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Their in freeze. And that's the irony of it to do this work, you need to at least allow for the possibility. So it is for those who are… That's why entrepreneurs actually take advantage of this work because entrepreneurs their makeup is such that they leap, like we leap, we take leaps of faith all the time. So yeah, it takes that for this work. But I cut into your question. Apologies got excited.
Sigrun:
No, no. So basically most people are in freeze mode except those that are taking action. And we see that with the entrepreneurs. And I also see it with my community. There are people that freeze, and cannot move forward at this time. But I wonder if this creates a collective trauma that needs to be healed afterwards as well.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yeah, I think so too Sigrun. And you're a true visionary. You see the chess moves like several moves ahead. You see where the ball is going, know where it has been, I think that makes you an amazing leader. Indeed, I agree with your prediction. We just unveiling things, but there's also a lot of just, “Ah.” People are just trying to figure out a way to get toilet paper. So there's also a lot of distraction. And once the distractions subside, we're going to see, “Oh my gosh, what just happened? I'm not feeling like myself and where is my joy? The crisis is over, but where is my joy? And where is my income? And where is like my courage and my intimacy.” And that has been hijacked by trauma activation. And you can reclaim it.
Sigrun:
Isn't it that if people start to kind of… If you anticipate this, you can do something about it now versus waiting for it to manifest in your body or mind.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yeah. That would be a wise thing to do. It's like taking advantage of the stock market. [inaudible 00:36:27].
Sigrun:
But it's hard to say to someone, “Oh, you should do something now.” Because we're all different.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Yeah. I feel that it's the risk to our why ratio is really, really good. Because the risk is low. Like what are you risking? Really. If this resonates with you, start by reading the book. I have the first chapter for download on my website, drvalerie.com/slash book. That first chapter is for you, dip your toes in, see if you want to take the next step and read the book. See if you want to watch some YouTube videos that I release, download some tools from my website. Or if you know, “Okay, this time is now. I'm actually one of those people who take leaps and can stomach taking advantage of stock market tips. I'm going to invest now in the next level of my expansion.” Then I have a program, The Thriving Solution that is actually thriving right now, interestingly, and we'll be happy… I'll be happy to share more with you. You can also learn the details on my website and see if that's a good fit.
Sigrun:
Valerie. It's been a pleasure to talk to you. I'm glad we finally did this episode.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Whoo-woo.
Sigrun:
Whoo-woo. We did it.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
Timing is perfect Sigrun.
Sigrun:
We will link everything up to the show notes, how people can find your website, your book, and how people can work with you. Dr. Valerie, thank you so much for being on the show.
Dr. Valerie Rein:
My pleasure.
Sigrun:
Go to the show notes at sigrun.com/389, where you can subscribe to my YouTube channel, plus all the links to Dr. Valerie Rein. Thank you for listening to The Sigrun Show. Did you enjoy this episode? Let me know that you listened by tagging me in your instastory or Instagram post using my handle @sigruncom and the #sigrunshow. See you in the next episode.